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12 Days of Inkfish, Day 4: Help Desk


When you use website analytics, you quickly learn that there are a lot of people out there Googling things like "how do i make robot" and "which is best medicine for make baby." This year I've seen many visitors whose search queries were probably not answered here. To make things up to them, I'll try to address a few of those questions now.

orangutan stop following me
Unless you live in Borneo or Sumatra and spend a lot of time in rainforest trees, it's very unlikely that you're being followed by an orangutan. Are you sure it isn't a very hairy human or a large orange dog? If an orangutan is, in fact, following you, don't worry—they mostly eat plants.

can you use ab toning belt on butt for bigger muscles
Ab toning belts will not make your muscles stronger (they only stimulate the surface of the muscle) or more toned (because the contractions are involuntary). But if you're really attached to the idea, don't bother strapping the belt around your rear: they sell toning shorts too.

what pills can make a man's hair fall out in clumps
I don't know the answer to that but it sounds like you're working on a super hilarious prank.

toilet training pigeon
Here's a website with some advice on potty-training pet birds. Consistency is key! But if I had a pigeon I'd skip the toilet training and teach it to carry messages, or to find its home from hundreds of miles away. Or to take pictures, like those cool pigeons in World War I.


is science harmful or useful
Did you not just see that pigeon with a camera strapped its chest?

giant barbies on the loose
Please send a picture so I can better assess the problem. Maybe you and the person with the orangutan problem should coordinate.

that story about the monkeys in the room
Your faith in organic search is touching. I don't know what you're looking for, but here's a story about rhesus macaques raised by water bottles instead of mothers.

if you swap brains will you still have the knowledge inside?
Even if this question is only research for a science-fiction story, I really think you should reconsider.

unnecessary otter

sex robot sperm go?
Since you clearly know search terms don't have to be in the form of a coherent sentence, I'm confused about why you think they still need a question mark at the end. On the off-chance you're wondering what the similarities are between a sperm cell and a Roomba, here are some.

why is sperm brown
Wow, please see a doctor. Why are all the sperm people coming here?

i have to pee
No one is stopping you. 

what company makes placebo
Okay, I quit.



Images: Help desk by Aryc Ogre; war pigeon via Wikimedia Commons 

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