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Help Desk: Relationship Edition


A couple months ago I introduced the Help Desk so I could answer real questions from Inkfish readers. These aren't questions people submitted intentionally, though—they're search terms that sent people to this site. (Take note, Googlers and Bingers of the world: anyone using web analytics can see your searches.)

This time, in honor of Valentine's Day, the Help Desk is focusing on relationships. I hope the unsatisfied searchers out there can now find the flower-pooping good twins they're looking for.


does music cause rodents to have more babies
It's been suggested that background music helps lab mice to relax and breed more, according to a 2005 paper in the Institute for Laboratory Animal Research Journal. However, they'll still startle easily at a loud noise, regardless of background sounds. In behavioral studies, new age music in particular seemed to calm mice down (compared to classical music, pop, or silence). So if you're looking to set the mood, try Enya rather than Bieber.

You can also teach mice to like music if you introduce it during a certain window in their development, according to a Harvard study. But this research looked only at Beethoven and bossa nova, and didn't give mice the option of getting romantic while the music was playing.

evil twin symptoms
Evil twin is not a medically recognized condition. Perhaps you should try consulting a psychotherapist or a screenwriter.

most inconvenient moments to have narcolepsy
Wheelbarrow race, optometrist appointment, listening to a deathbed confession, pairs ice dancing. And the obvious one.

(The most convenient moments to have narcolepsy include mattress testing, portrait sitting, and televised basketball games.)

how to make a sperm cell
Thankfully, it's not up to you.

that boy has a huge belly button
If a giant navel is the worst complaint you have about a person, things probably aren't so bad. Plus, that belly button is a hotbed of bacterial diversity—and so is yours! Look, the two of you have one more topic for dinner conversation already.

a pig look better than u
Pigs can be pretty charming (see below). If you're looking for a creative insult, what about "a giant land crab look better than u"? Or "a Chinese soft-shelled turtle has a smaller tube coming out of the middle of its face than u"? Zing! You're welcome.




pig repeller
If you didn't want the pig around, maybe you shouldn't have flattered it just now.

bloomers for older woman
It sounds like you're searching for a gift for your significant other. What kind of "older" are we talking about—like nineteenth century? If so, bloomers sound great.

how to stay tight with a big guy
Just because a guy has gained some weight doesn't mean you can't be friends with him anymore. (That is what you meant, right?)

girl that poops flowers
If you're wondering why OKCupid rejected your match criterion, I'm sorry to have to tell you that nobody poops flowers. However! If you or your normally excreting girlfriend are willing to commit to a juice cleanse, you can spend a few days pooping vegetables.

how to ruin a party you weren't invited to
That's tough, but I'm going to have to go back to giant land crabs.

mouse quiet too quiet
Maybe that Enya CD did the trick.

don't make sex in the forest
Noted.


Earlier: Help Desk, Part 1.

Images: Help desk by Aryc Ogre; piglet by Ed Mitchell; robber crab by John TannChinese soft-shelled turtle by muzina_shanghai (all via Flickr)

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